I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
