I got chris browned last night
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I want to be your penis for a week.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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