I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
