:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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