Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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