Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
from now on my penis is your penis
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
