just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
