I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Last time i carry you out of a forest
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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