My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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