The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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