Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
