Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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