Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
