Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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