I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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