you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
