I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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