Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
