if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
