Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
