bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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