a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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