I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Pants are for mortals
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
