Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
