I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
