Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
