Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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