ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
