I haven't been this sober since birth.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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