I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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