She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
