loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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