wrigley field is MILF paradise
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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