If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
