if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
