New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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