I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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