i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
