I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
