I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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