i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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