I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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