It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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