Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
