If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
