I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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