you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
