i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
