Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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