so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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