Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
