ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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