i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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