im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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