So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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