this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
